Rachel,

I miss you so much that it pains me... I wish that I could take back everything that happened but both know this is for the best. So why do I feel like you are the only thing I want in my life... You are the one that I want to come home to and laugh like we never hurt each other. You are the one that got away and I was the one who pushed you away. Sure we can blame in on timing but we both know its a cover story... I wish I could call you to bitch about my day, text you telling you about hilarious shit that happens to me at my shit coffee shop job.... Or just tell you that the way the sun shines through my window reminds me of that time last summer when you got back from Hawaii and we fucked until we couldn't move and then I told you that I missed you more than I thought I could miss a person. Fuck! Fuck this I know that you need space but I don't want anyone else. I want to wrap up in your arms and dream, dreams of happily ever after... Space... Space, that is what you want... space. You aren't ready to see me on a regular basis and I get that... It's hard but FUCK... Can I just rewind that clock... Take us back to winter time and to long goodnight kisses... And to talks on the top of the Cesar Chavez about things we couldn't even fathom in our dreams.

You are the one that makes me laugh and smile uncontrollably. FUCK THIS! I miss you so damn much that I want to scream your name from my window every night just so you know that I am falling asleep dreaming of you. And that you are and forever will be the best fucking friend I have had. You really surprised me you know that? I guess that I fucked up in the end... Or maybe I just shot the dying bird right when it was getting better. Or maybe I am glorifying our relationship because I miss you so fucking much... I miss the way I would be entirely comfortable with you... The smell of your hair right after you showered. The way you held my hand. Most of all the way you looked at me.. I miss the way the moon light reflected off your eyes when I would go out for my midnight smoke with you as my faithful companion... The youthfulness of your giddy smile. Smoking with you and then reading poetry until I couldn't talk. Then playing country music for you to prove that it isn't as bad as you think it is...

So could you, would you, please forgive me... Just give me a chance to repent.. and make it soon. Because with out you in my life I feel like a lost dog in a pack of wolves... Will you please come guide me home so that I can remember what it was like to smile and not have to say "Would you like cream or sugar in that?" I don't think I remember what it was like to actually smile until I saw you that day... And it felt so free. No judgement just two people talking and connecting for their own happiness... Or sadness rather... I think I remember you say that you were slightly glad to know that you weren't the only one that was feeling miserable and you know what, I agree with you. Misery loves company and I would love nothing more that to have you as my miserable companion again. Because, honestly, we are all miserable and that is what make life worth it because you find those few highlights that keep you going until the next ones and you remember them like you remember the kiss of the sun on a crisp summer morning right as the clouds are evaporated.

Fuck this turned into an essay real fast.. any whooooo. I just miss you and wish that I could text you right now because you see, I have this 6-pack of beer in my fridge and I have no one to drink it with...